Dethcentrik ~ Unhallowed Eve (album review) ... Keep your children at home!

Style: experimental, black metal, Halloween, instrumental
Label: Death Incarnate
Year: 2012
Home: Colorado

Members: Stefan Klein ~ all instruments

Can you name an album wrapped around the theme of Halloween? There's plenty of Christmas themed albums & even a few bands doing that theme ... but Halloween? I'm not talking about Smashing Pumpkins or Alice Cooper who use frightening imagery often equated with Halloween. I'm talking about the Halloween equivalent of Trans-Siberian Orchestra. I can only think of one band/album in Dee Snider's Van Helsing's Curse. That was until Unhallowed Eve landed in my e-mail this month, an instrumental moody album that may not be singing about ghosts & goblins but is the sound you blast out the window when trick-or-treaters wander by. Dethcentrik is known for cacophonic absolutely barren mind-numbing black metal of guitars & screaming vocals & droning keyboards. Some call it industrial. Others call it noise. But, this is a new direction for Dethcentrik, far different from anything previously released by great leaps. Dethcentrik, originally a band but now a one-man outing, must have spent the last year in a cave with new musical influences. Early Dethcentrik was assaulting to the ears, even more so compared to this new release. They also were straight black metal with all the thorny heavily distorted guitars thrashing about in a maddening almost unlistenable at times rush. That's all been replaced by droning keyboard lines, though even that's been kept to a minimum here & instead replaced by naturally occurring sounds distorted beyond recognition into a moody hypnotic mesh that's more akin to a movie soundtrack, particularly being instrumental with no lyrics to distract from the visual. This album goes for the pleasure of sounds themselves & how they become something new on an organic level when twisted & turned & particularly stretched well beyond their natural length & near breaking point. "As The Birds Consume They Flesh Featuring Some Crows" is keyboards deep in the mix churning out droning wind like tones while squawking crows, in real time, form the main textural movement of the song, with occasional computer blips popping up. While "Must You leave So Soon" is just a weird wave of static, I believe, distorted beyond recognition into three minutes. Then there's "The Devil's Breath" following a similar path with a recording of wind distorted into nearly eleven minutes. That's another key here - length. There is no boundaries to time. Earlier Dethcentrik pushed the limits of listenability for many, once even accused by a critic for the excessive use of distortion. Now excessiveness has now been taken in a new direction. Personally, I find this much more exciting. & without a doubt I see the musical change the most exciting thing to discover. I love the sense of musical development into new territories, for both the listener & composer. I also like musicians that take risks. That's what music is essentially all about. & Dethcentrik pushes it with great braveness, such as with the 20 minute "The Sawmill" that is the sound of saws sawing away against an unrecognizable background of crunching drones. Perhaps the background is actually the saws given a computer make-over? That's what I believe makes up "The Possessed Music Box" which is heavily distorted tones against other tones. I believed they're all the same tones but thrown together to see what they'll spawn or how they'll push & pull each other. Strangeness at its best.

Northern Light Orchestra ~ The Spirit Of Christmas (album review) ... TSO for the Christian crowd!

Style: holiday, heavy metal
Label: VSR Music Group
Year: 2009
Home: n/a

Members: Lanny Cordola ~ rhythm guitars
Chuck Wright ~ bass
Ken Mary ~ drums/b. vocals
Phillip Bardowell ~ vocals

Guests: Dave Ellefson, Krys Van Slyke ~ bass
George Lynch, Bruce Kulick, Doug Aldrich, Chris Sanders, Bill Leverty, Elliot Randall, Steve Conley, Jason Hook, John Davis ~ lead guitar
Shane Gibson, Kendall Bechtel ~ guitars
Dizzy Reed, Brian Stewart ~ keyboards
Kip Winger, Alan Gregson ~ strings
Rose Stone, Jon Gibson, Robin McAuley ~ vocals
Danny Vaughn ~ b. vocals
Debbie Sledge, Eddie James, Bob Carlisle ~ lead vocals

They've named themeselves an orchestra, only tour at Christmas, have a rotating door of guest musicians & a modifed line-up appearing on stage, have an album of Christmas songs which are all rocked up versions of Christian hymns ... no, it's not Trans-Siberian Orchestra, it's the NLO. It's hard not to call NLO an imitation. It's hard not to figure that the creators of the group saw the success of TSO & with their own careers stuttering in obscurity along wanted to do something bigger. Certainly, the array of guest musicians on NLO's one album is a step to get noticed. The big difference between the two bands is that there's no instrumental classical songs getting a rock treatment here, which TSO often likes to do to the point of nauseum. There's also no story, while all but two songs of the seventeen (i.e. "Celebrate Christmas", "I Feel The Warmth") have to do with the baby Jesus. One might say this is a super safe TSO for the Christian crowd, great to play at holiday worship services. TSO has always walked a fine line of discussing Christian morals, angels included, but without directly touching on anything Christian. The other difference is where TSO is operatic, over-the-top, classically influenced & with an array of musical styles, this is primarily a guitar riffing affair. There's not much soul or world beat or jazz, no violin solos or piano only ballads & certainly no childrens' choirs. It's a rock'n'roll Christmas party. No one can deny that TSO has pushed what can be done with rock & Christmas music to new levels, while bands like Glenn Kaiser & Rez Band, Larry Norman, Phil Keaggy, Randy Stonehill & countless others have pushed rock & Christian music in wide & varied directions, thus Christian songs with lots of guitar solos is ultimately less than exciting. Individually there's some fun upbeat songs, but rock musicians release every year countless Christmas albums doing the same thing. However good the individuals, the big picture suffers from a lack of inspiration. Actually, the Kings Of Christmas debut release in 2012, featuring former members of TSO, sounds nothing like TSO & shows just how far one can go away from that dominating influence. I commend NLO for taking a overtly Christian approach, which opens the door to criticism by anti-Christians. Youth oriented worship groups everywhere will greatly enjoy this album. While, it doesn't rock harder than any other Christian group, like Rez Band, so its not lacking in drive. As for the creativity of the project ... personally, I'll go to TSO. Even where they are maudlin they are the litmus test. While I get tired of TSO's classically influenced songs, I also like my Christian music a little less direct than Jesus this & Jesus that ... think Larry Norman. Though, "Child Of Abraham" is a standout with Bruce Kulick of Kiss & & vocalist Phillip Bardowell at his best. A great voice you've probably never heard. What truly makes this project stand out is the names involved in it, most prominently bassist Dave Ellefson of Megadeth, on hiatus from Megadeth at the time, who became a spokesman for the group & performed live with them. Sadly, on the five tracks he's on, of course, the bass is just another instrument in the mix, lost behind the guitars. The core band is actually all of the supergroup Magdallan, with drummer Ken Mary & guitarist Larry Cordola appearing on all the tracks & bassist Chuck Wright & singer Bardowell on most in either lead or backing roles. It should be mentioned that all but Bardowell are also former members of House Of Lords. Bardowell & Cordola are also Beach Boys alum. Bassist Wright is mostly known for his work with Quiet Riot, while drummer Mary has been a part of the Alice Cooper band & Impellitteri. As for the rest of the album, the big selling point no doubt, the guests include: guitarists Chris Sanders of Knight Fury & Lizzy Borden, Jason Hook of Alice Cooper & Five Finger Death Punch, Bill Leverty of Firehouse, Doug Aldrich of Whitesnake, Steve Conley of F5 with Dave Ellefson, Kendall Bechtel of Fifth Angel, Shane Gibson of Korn, John Davis of Superdrag, session man Elliot Randall of Asia & Steely Dan, George Lynch of Lynch Mob & Dokken, Kip Winger of Winger; keyboardists Dizzy Reed of Guns N Roses, Brian Stewart of Backstreet Boys & Evermore; vocalists Danny Vaughn of Tyketto, Rose Stone of Sly & the Family Stone, Debbie Sledge of Sister Sledge, Eddie James of London/D'Priest, Robin McAuley of Survivor & McAuley Schenker Group; Christian singers Bob Carlisle & Jon Gibson; producer Alan Gregson.

The Kings Of Christmas ~ 365 Days A Year (album review) ... When Trans-Siberian Orchestra got a facelift!

Style: pop, soul, holiday, hard rock
Label: self-released
Year: 2011
Home: n/a

Members: Maxx Mann ~ vocals/keyboards/percussion
Tommy Farese, Tony Gaynor, Guy LeMonnier ~ vocals
Dave Silva ~ guitars/bass/b. vocals

Additional: Tommy Byrnes ~ guitars/keyboards
Paul Morris, Frank Gruden ~ keyboards
Wes Stout ~ guitar
Tommy Wynder ~ drums
Mark Woodyatt ~ violin

This is not the album I ever expected to be released by TKOC ... it's better! Being that five of the members are alumni of Trans-Siberian Orchestra (i.e. Maxx Mann, Tommy Farese, Guy LeMonnier, Tony Gaynor, and Paul Morris also of the reunited Rainbow), the band that essentially has broken & remade the template of hard rock Christmas music, I expected something that would be a shadow if not direct imitation. It would be blazing guitars & keyboard flourishes, lots of over-the-top vocals, in your face powerful music, probably a somber story & very much big stage rock but with a socially relevant heart warming attitude ... but this is actually quite the opposite. It might just be everything that TSO doesn't tend to be, given their current arena rock format - upbeat songs verging on slow dance music, unpretentious, fun, deep emotions side by side with light weight songs, a range of musical styles & most of all intimate & very personal. & there's not an instrumental nor modernized classical piece in sight. To even compare the two groups is a wasted effort because the differences are too polar. TKOC feels & sounds about as much TSO as the other legendary Christmas group Mannheim Steamroller. Except for the shared theme, the two are very distinct musical entities. I probably believed that this would be like TSO because I've fallen under the illusion, having heard too many uninteresting & imitatively boring Christmas albums, that there was nothing else that could be done with the Christmas theme that was interesting. TSO basically has the tightest hold on the theme, pushing it farther than anyone else, though even they felt some limits & repetition after three albums. TKOC has somehow found a new space to hibernate in for the winter. There's some electric guitars on a few songs but nothing to the hard rock scale of TSO & at times there's a bit of a heavy keyboard AM jazzy radio feel that's similar to Mannheim Steamroller, but there's no light jazz instrumentals here. TKOC creates a Christmas experience that mixes together addictively groovy 70's R&B/funk complete with backing vocals (i.e. "Sleighride", "How Do You Feel"), hard rock (i.e. "Christmas Wreath", "Soldier's Wall (The Wall)", "Time Of Year") & even AM radio 70's-esque soft rock (i.e. "The Empty Chair", "Pages Of My Life"), acoustic ballads (i.e. "How's Your Life"), danceable worldbeat (i.e. "Letter To Santa", "New York Christmas"), traditional crooning (i.e. "Christmas On Long Island"), a touch of operatic metal (i.e. "Christmas Passed") & even a children's song (i.e. "Henry The Horse"). It's such a surprisingly refreshing mix that on repeated listens it really does seem to live up to the band's PR that they're taking back Christmas. For those looking for a TSO hard rock experience this is not it. Even with the rock numbers it generally feels like a smooth & upbeat easy listening experience great for an intimate dinner party. TSO has often been criticized by fans for its forced emotions & lack of irony. It's former members must have been listening. TKOC also isn't over-reaching for grand social commentary but keeps it all very personal, as Long Island crooner Tommy Farese, a member of TSO from their debut & bandmate of guitarist Al Pitrelli since their earliest days, sings in the opener "Christmas On Long Island": "In my mind I go back to Long Island/Holding tight to those sweeter memories/When we were all we had". At the same time, one will find in the highlight "Sleighride", with theater singer Guy LeMonnier on lead vocals, that its chorus of "Take a little trip/On a sleighride/Give a little kiss/To the one you love" is anything but personal with its 70's soul pop inspired sound that provides a nice contrast lyrically. Probably the weakest spot of the album is the big concept lacing the songs together. There is a story that runs through the linear notes, in the fashion of TSO, but like TSO is completely unnecessary to enjoy the album as a whole. Each song is about a different emotion, represented as a different ornament: yearning, desperation, commitment, uncertainty, abandonment, fulfillment, confirmation, sorrow, courage, elation, loneliness & anticipation. They're rather abstract emotions that feel like they were added after the fact to make this more than just a collection of Christmas songs. But, in the downloading age when linear notes are optional or when folks might be playing this for friends over dinner where linear notes aren't going to be passed along with the potatoes, it does end up being a collection of Christmas songs, but it's a strong collection that doesn't need help or a sub-text. As it is, the retro feeling of many of the songs give them a sub-text of music history. Also, on first listen, there's some feeling that each singer has been assigned a particular style that they're to exclusively sing in, such as Maxx Mann as the rocker while Guy LeMonnier takes the operatic moments, & that the singers don't get an equal number of solo songs, as most of the album is just solo songs with the others in backing roles versus duet or group arrangements. "Christmas Wreath" & "Soldier's Song (The Wall)" are the only two songs featuring more than one singer in the lead. But, though each singer might be stuck in a style it's the style that they do best, & it keeps the album strong, even when some of the songs might be a bit slow lyrically. Nobody is trying to sing in a way they can't or sound forced. While the four singers are so diverse, from rough Italian crooning to wild man hollering to soft crooning to a bit of Broadway, it helps towards keeping the surprise level high as there's no predicting what might come next either lyrically, musically or vocally. But, surprises & not being able to predict was the theme of this project over 2011 as the band was formed & music created. Expectations, let alone curiosity, were high for this project. The surprise highlights might just be those songs that follow a classic sound such as the 60's R&B "Sleighride" & "How To You Feel" & the Neil Diamond-esque "The Empty Chair" & "How's Your Life". It'll be interesting to see where TKOC goes considering some of the members have left to pursue other projects ... such as Maxx Mann & members of the band are now in the hard rock group Seven with Seven (aka Alan Plotkin), former engineer on Public Enemy's Sounds Of A Black Planet ... leaving TKOC squarely the hands of Tommy Farese, Guy LeMonnier & Tony Gaynor for 2012. TKOC has its roots in the TSO tribute group 12/24, which at one point featured Maxx Mann fresh from TSO. Narrator Cornelius Goodwin of 12/24 even contributed some sax playing to TKOC but those tracks didn't make the final product. Maxx Mann left after a single season with the desire to create something that was Christmas themed but not TSO, something more intimate. Through a year of ups & downs & controversy he definitely did it & it's something Maxx & company can be proud of as they go their separate ways into new seasons with new emotions to write about. Sadly, their future ended too soon, as the band broke up & Maxx has since left this earth.

Halford ~ 3: Winter Songs (album review) ... Satanic Santa sings!

Style: heavy metal, holiday
Label: Metal God Entertainment
Year: 2009
Home: England

Members: Rob Halford ~ vocals
Roy Z, Metal Mike Chlasciak ~ guitars
Bobby Jarzombek ~ drums
Mike Davis ~ bass

Additional: Ed Roth ~ keyboards

Judas Priest frontman Rob Halford has generally received praise for his non-Priest outings with self-titled band Halford since its debut in 2000, so it was a bit of a shock that his collection of Christmas songs would fare as bad as it generally did with music critics. Albeit, unless you're Trans-Siberian Orchestra Christmas albums tend not to be the highlight of one's recording output, so its not really too much of a shock. What's worse is that the critics are largely right. It's not the highlight of the Halford catalog. Albeit, it's not bad as some say, as the band has yet to put out a truly bad album, as the catch-22 is that it might be a good, though not great, Halford album of straight-ahead New Wave of Heavy Metal but Winter Songs is a weak Christmas album. The problem is essentially the material itself & what he's chosen to do with it. It's all the traditional Christmas songs, no altered lyrics to make them metal themed, done with riffing guitars & double bass drum. But, the problem is so many of them are soft gentle tunes that just don't jive with the speed metal approach, or not with the arrangements here. It all comes off as campy unoriginal metal that shows how limiting the musical form can be or something akin to a karaoke metal performance. It's loud& wild, but heavy metal is far more than that. Some of the greatest heavy metal songs have been light, free & emotion ... just with lots of notes & distortion. It's not helped any by the fact that Halford doesn't really put a lot of emotion into his vocals, as was heard on the Halford debut album Resurrection or even the latest Judas Priest outing Nostradamus. It's missing any spirit ... Christmas spirit. However bloated Nostradamus was you felt Halford's love of the songs & theme, but here that's missing. Some of the songs have some piano picking out the melody against the vocals, but this is a musical cop-out to really pulling out the stops & being creative. But, one song does cry out something great & it's a shame most of the album didn't go in this direction. "Winter Song" is a soft melody with Halford's most emotional singing & is a near cry of Christmas unity. It's a definite inclusion on any Christmas rock mix tape. Though, what makes it so great is that it puts the thrashing metal aside to focus on the song not the musical genre. Making a Christmas album is a worthy but risky endeavor as one is essentially creating an album of limited listens. You can't market your Christmas songs in June. Not even Trans-Siberian Orchestra does that. So, one should try to aim for the best product possible. It's admirable that metal god Rob Halford attempted this project, though one can't help but ask why, but the results don't honor his vision. Anyways, this is by the near untouchable & definitely iconic Rob Halford, so on the whole we fans will tend to forgive him his mistakes, such as his outings with Fight & the Trent Reznor produced metal hybrid Two, & look forward to the possibilities of his next release. The joy which most have welcomed the latest release Halford IV: Made Of Metal is proof.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra ~ Christmas Eve & Other Stories (album review) ... Bosnian war stories!

Style: holiday, heavy metal, instrumental, hard rock
Label: Atlantic
Year: 1996
Home: n/a

Members: Bob Kinkel ~ keyboards
Al Pitrelli ~ guitars/bass
Paul O'Neill ~ rhythm guitars
Johnny Lee Middleton ~ bass
Jon Oliva ~ keyboards/bass
Jeff Plate ~ drums
Tommy Farese, John Margolis, Marlene Danielle, Michael Fawcette, Ken Williams, Babi Floyd ~ lead vocals

Additional: Mary Wooten ~ cello
John Clark ~ french horn
Chris Caffery ~ rhythm guitar
Zak Stevens, Nancy Jackson, Peggy Harley, Latasha Spencer, Danielle Lander, Jeffrey Stackhouse, Timonty Carosi, Peter Valentine ~ b. vocals
Joseph Murray, Adrian Ross, Nigel Tangredi, Warren Wilson, Beth Butler, Cabiria Jacobson, Rachel Rosenfield, Caroline Ross ~ children's choir

In the 80's if anyone had said that the struggling Florida metal band Savatage would eventually become one of the most popular, let alone physically largest bands in music with two independent groups on the road, everyone probably would have laughed including the band itself. But, it's one of the more unique histories, transformations & successes in the rock archives, let alone spawning one of the most popular Christmas rock albums a musician could hope for. Briefly, with new New York guitarist Al Pitrelli, who would later spend two years kicking it the thrash way with Megadeth, Savatage recorded the excellent concept album Dead Winter Dead based upon the Bosnian War, which Atlantic Records largely considered the last chance for the band to break into needed commercial heights. The instrumental "Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24)", musically representing a brave lone celloist in the middle of a battlefield, gave a modern metal edge to the traditional holiday song "Carol of the Bells". This wasn't the first time the band had given traditional &/or classical music metal flourishes, let alone the tradition extended back to Led Zeppelin, Yes, Emerson, Lake & Palmer & others. The single became the success the band was looking for ... sort of. It's climb up the charts was marred by the band's metal sounding name that frightened radio DJs. TSO was created to boost the single past preconceived notions, though it was actually the same line-up but with rotating vocalists, a slightly less venomous stage act & a prominent composing role for Savatage session keyboards Bob Kinkel. "Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24)" was reissued & given a new story about an angel looking for something done on Christmas Day that represents everything good. At one point he flies over Bosnia & hears a lone celloist. Christmas Eve & Other Stories pushed everything Savatage had tried before to a new level - a complex storyline as always courtesy of Paul O'Neill, a positive moral message of a strong Christian nature, radio friendly metal, operatic vocals & well-known classical/traditional songs given a metal twist. The jury has remained out, despite numerous albums later both holiday themed & not, on what exactly TSO is. Many metal fans don't consider it's heavily choreographed light show & radio friendly tunes true metal, while purist classical fans cry sacrilege ... albeit, honestly, it doesn't take much for either group to cry out in discontent. As for everyone else listening the band has been praised to the highest & what is undeniable is that TSO appeals to the widest age bracket that any band could ever hope for, from children to grandparents, creating something for everyone ... even the purists if they give it a chance. Christmas Eve & Other Stories was focused on re-releasing "Sarajevo" a second year & hoping it would be a chart success again, but was essentially a one-off project working alongside Savatage. As much as Savatage wouldn't have been able to predict the creation of TSO, none of them would have predicted that Savatage would also eventually completely morph into TSO. But, there's no Christmas album like this & it remains a favorite holiday album over a decade later & the highlight of the TSO catalog, let alone one of the best Christmas rock albums made ... so it's really no surprise that TSO would eclipse its root band. The lyrics are sometimes a bit maudlin & cliched & the storyline takes itself too serious, but there's no questioning the widest range of musical styles any metal band could ever experiment with on a single album, let alone the high caliber of playing & singing across the board. The biggest loss, though, is Savatage vocalist Zak Stevens relegated to the chorus, as he's one of the most under-rated powerhouses in rock & his operatic vocals are perfect for this project. But, luckily, he's found new success in Circle II Circle where he also gets more time in the spotlight. Speaking of lyrics, the biggest hurdle with the album is that the 2 page synopsis in the linear notes often puts emphasis on events that get only a passing reference in song, if not skipped at all, while the songs often focus heavily on events passed over in the synopsis, which also suffers from stilted writing. The story can't be fully understood via music along, but this is a problem shared with all the Savatage/TSO albums finding a climax with Savatage's "The Wake Of Magellan" where the songs were written & then a story put over it afterwards. On later albums & on future tours TSO would eventually flesh out its ranks before expanding into two bands to bring the show to as many cities as possible in their short touring season, but on this debut it was still a small band. You don't have to wonder who is playing guitar or piano on what track as would be the case later. TSO is still a small musical unit plodding forward with joy but also not yet sure of how far they can go with their new experiment. It's quite a contrast to 2009's double album Night Castle with 26 musicians, strings & a large choir. But, that being said, for Christmas albums this is an undoubtable highlight because it has just enough solos for the rockers but is melodic enough for everyone else, while everyone wants to sing along.

Austrian Death Machine ~ A Very Brutal Christmas (EP) (album review) ... The Terminator has killed Santa!

  Style: heavy metal, thrash, tribute
Label: Metal Blade
Year: 2008
Home: San Diego, California

Members: Tim Lambesis ~ vocals/all instruments
Chad Ackerman ~ Ahhnold voice

As Christmas time approaches it seems like everyone wants to make a Christmas album, albeit most fail to make something that stands up to the rest of their catalog ... even Arnold Schwarzenegger, governor, movie star, terminator wants to get into the act ... well ... sort of ... ADM is the pet project of As I Lay Dying vocalist Tim Lambesis, or as he once put it AILD "is heartfelt & full of passion" while ADM "is an outlet of pure testosterone & stupidity." I'm glad he said & saved me the hassle, though I think he has the order backwards for ADM, albeit it is creative none the less. Many listeners may not be able to make it through the rather bland thrash onslaught of a full album by ADM so this EP is a safe place to go to get the same experience but in a smaller & tighter dose, plus it pretty much is the best of ADM, which is ... 'Ahhnold'. ADM usually fails by not including as much of the Terminating Governor as they should but with only three songs they have no time to waste & thus focus on the joke & do what they should do in the full albums. ADM sets out to answer what if the governor of California turned president? No, sorry, I mean, metal singer? The answer sort of answers the question ... sort of ... Ahhnold, done in a pretty good imitation, appears between the tracks doing some Terminator slang narration via skits & song introductions, only to have the songs be bland raunchy thrash with the normal shouting vocals done by Tim & not in the Ahhnold voice. It's supposed to be Arnold singing, but with Tim singing the joke is quickly killed. Sometimes Ahhnold will appear in a chorus or voice-over, but that's the extent of it. While the songs are violent but not necessarily Ahhnold themed. For full ADM albums the best way to listen is to skip over the music. But, on A Very Brutal Christmas, released the same year as their debut, the songs stay with an Ahhnold theme with the voice appearing before, in-between & during. The joke is kept tight like it should be. As for the songs themselves the title is misleading. The album was released for Christmas but features only one holiday song, "Jingle Bells". This is the highlight of the album, followed by the unmemorable Terminator themed original "Get To The Choppa" & a reworking of "Hell Bent For Leather" by Judas Priest. But, really, the music is secondary because really you just want to hear Ahhnold say "you'd better start working out or otherwise no cookies for you."

Coffin Fuck ~ Fucks Christmas (live) (album review) ... Wait till they get ahold of the other holidays!

Style: comedy, live, holiday, death metal
Label: self-released
Year: 2009
Home: New Jersey

Members: Chris 'Mandroid' Lemoine - lead vocals/harmonica/voice of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer/elves
Matt Van Dongen ~ guitar/voice of Santa Claus
AJ 'CorpsePenis' Tedeschi ~ drums/voices of Frosty the Snowman/elves/Neil Young/Mrs. Claus

Guests: Steve Thompson ~ voice of the manager/elves

"It's the most wonderful time of the year" sung in the most throaty growl, think Dethklok, with a distorted guitar slashing away behind it, sounds just as terrible as it reads here & Coffin Fuck do it terribly wonderful in this holiday outing. Following the tradition of rock operas by fellow Xmas carolers Trans-Siberian Orchestra, albeit sans anything Christian, charitable or decent, the album opens with Spinal Tap-esque banter with the band discovering the news they've been hired for "25K" by Santa as a Meat Loaf cover band. The ensuing concert for the elves, with guest appearances by Santa, his North Pole associates & for some mysterious reason Neil Young, is anything but Meat Loaf but gnarly Xmas carolers that take a page out of the Nunslaughter handbook. One guitar plays the melody line while the rest of the band goes into distorted double bass smashing rhythms that sound alike in every song, the only thing not destroyed are the traditional lyrics. It's not a real live recording, well, as much as the elves are real but its so wild & riotous that for every band that ever wanted to capture their stage energy in the studio ... they should take a page from the Coffin Fuck handbook. It's loud, it's obnoxious, it's barely musical. As for the rest of the story, which is really the whole incentive to listening to the album ... the jokes are juvenile & often more embarrassing than anything, let alone featuring a horrible Neil Young impersonation, but the band never sound like they're not having a good time, well, an extremely trashy good time & there's no denying this is an elaborate affairs of numerous overdubs & a script. But, that's exactly the point for these holidays joy makers. They wanted to make some music but also go crazy. While, this is not for the faint of heart or overly mature. As for how it ends ... well, Santa offered 25 candy canes, not 25K, he offers toys instead but a grown man can't drink toys. For those who are curious, Coffin Fuck are responsible for the truly successful Xmas single "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer", which my grandma actually used to enjoy to the dread of my aunt.

Nunslaughter ~ Christmassacre (EP) (album review) ... Not your grandmother's music!

Style: death metal
Label: Hells Headbangers
Year: 2005
Home: Ohio

Members: Blood ~ guitar
Chris 213 ~ bass
Don Of The Dead ~ vocals
Jim Sadist ~ drums

 

 

   I reviewed the Christian metal band Leviticus not so long ago, but on Christmassacre you can't get any farther away on the spectrum - religious or musical ... well, that is except for burning a church down & calling the sounds of the flames music & as far as I know only classical composer John Cage has composed with fire. The name of the band, let alone the album, give away everything you need to know about this legendary group that has been around for an amazing 20 years putting out as many albums as Rick Wakeman ... with just as little chart-success. Nunslaughter is famous for their straight ahead metal that's as harsh & raw as you can possibly get with brutal lyrics in spades to match, coming off the tradition set by Burzum & early Mayhem. Surprisingly, the growling lead singer actually allows the lyrics to be heard, always an asset whatever the musical style ... not that you necessarily need to hear or want to hear "oh little town of Deathlehem..." or "Satan is my master". Though, for their benefit, what you can hear are often witty lyrical turns ... cause "Deathlehem" is undoubtedly a witty parody. This is Nunslaughter's only holiday album, or perhaps I should say Ax-mas album, featuring the lost chestnut roasting classics: "Deathlehem," "Unholy Scriptures," "Jewrusalem" & "Unchained Cadaver". You won't find any fancy technical playing here or even guitar solos nor great production values, albeit this is better than some Nunslaughter releases which bring demo quality production to new heights, but this music is so wild, beer laced & fits so much the stereotype of heavy metal that you almost can't help but end up enjoying it. For those of us that listen to metal regularly we're so used to blasphemous lyrics that Nunslaughter barely raises an eyebrow. Anyways, what holiday would be complete without a sing-along of "Unholy Scriptures"?